no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
