I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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