Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
