She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
