i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
