We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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