So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
