I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
