Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
