What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
