i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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