i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
