i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
