So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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