I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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