My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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