I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
