I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
