so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
