I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
