How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
