My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
