We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
