You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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