This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize