gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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