Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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