I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The adults are the big ones right?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
