my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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