Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He felt like a one man threesome
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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