you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
