im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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