I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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