I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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