Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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