foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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