If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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