I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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