8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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