I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
