I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
