I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's blow job season.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
