evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize