My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize