her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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