i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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