stop calling my apartment porn island.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
