We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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