So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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