a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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