Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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