When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
