Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize