You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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