Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
