Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
